SCHMENDRICK A NOVEL

by Dan Wagner

Screenplay Adaptation

First 5 Episodes, 1, 2, 3A, 3B, 4A -- First Draft 2/26/2021

Stanley Schmendrick has no idea why big-bosomed Mabel Johnson, the Heavy Chevys Latino gang, and transgender hellions from the Fosse’s Fighters dojo are all after mobster Rocky Organza’s record book—much less why they think he has it. For Stanley, trying to keep his pursuers at bay while going about his daily business of donating sperm, driving a taxi full of tipsy stewardesses, and staying on the right side of the law is a daunting task.

Fortunately, Stanley’s goldfish Jaws XV, sidekick Tony Aqua-Velva, and guardian angel Lieutenant Frank Columbo Jr., are there to help him navigate a week of weirdness. Along the way, the bad guys do all they can to thwart him—even going so far as to outfit Stanley with a transmitting testicle.

But never fear, for armed with a lasso, tabs of LSD, the ability to fly from the top of his head, Frank Sinatra albums, and a lifetime supply of birthday presents his mother never gave him, Stanley has all he needs to fight back—or so he hopes. Surfing legend Laird Hamilton, Olympian Bruce Jenner’s double, and even God lend a hand, but will it be enough for Stanley to survive and emerge a better man?